Texts from Jane Eyre (2 page)

 come along Gilgamesh
be you my husband
to me grant your lusciousness
I will harness for you a chariot of lapis lazuli
with wheels of gold
 be my husband and I will be your wife

 oh wow
Ishtar
that’s so flattering
 
I’m so flattered

 the Lullubu people will bring you produce of the mountains
as tribute
 your she-goats will bear triplets

 that’s such a tempting offer 

 your ewes twins
 your donkey will overtake the mule

 i would just
love to
but super quick question
how is your boyfriend Tammuz
these days
is he still
 
trapped in the Underworld?

 I don’t know what you mean 

 how about all your other boyfriends
still horribly dead
 
or turned into wolves?

 you know what
 never mind

 i’m just super curious
since you’ve murdered exactly all of them
if maybe you were planning
 
on doing that to me too

 i hope you get eaten by dogs 

 there it is 

Achilles

 Achilles?
Kiddo? Achilles?
Hey bud you in there?
hey champ I know you’re in there
I can see you
We just want to talk
 
okay?

 no im not 

 you’re not what
 
not in your tent?

 no 

 buddy it’s okay to be a little upset 

 IM NOT UPSET 

 okay 

 IM FULL OF RIGHTEOUS FURY 

 okay 

 THE ANGER OF ACHILLES SON OF PELEUS BRINGS
COUNTLESS ILL UPON THE ACHAEANS
 SO I DONT GET “A LITTLE UPSET” OK

 okay you got it
we were just wondering
when you might be thinking
 
of coming back to the war that we’re having

 well A of all youre being condecending 

 what did I say? 

 it wasnt what you said it was HOW you said it
and B of all i quit war forever
so
that’s when i’m coming back
 whenever i un-forever quit war, which is never, so never

 what’s this about, buddy? 

 he took that girl i liked 

 who did 

 that guy
I can’t say his name
 the guy with the long name and the sun helmet

 Agamemnon? 

 yeah that guy
 he took that girl I like

 which girl? 

 I DONT REMEMBER
GOD
what is this
name remembering day
the one who was always holding the wine
or like the orb or whatever
 she was always carrying something

 okay
okay
 
would it help if we got her back?

 no
it would not help
and youre being condescending again
 and im going home

 what will you do if you go home? 

 i dunno
stuff grows out of the ground if you put stuff in it
 so maybe ill do that

 farming? 

 yeah
go home and put stuff in the ground and no one will take the girls
i like
 and i hope you all die in this stupid war

 you don’t mean that 

 you don’t mean your face 

 what? 

 leave me alone 

Dido

 hey babe
when are you going to be home
 tonight do you think

This number has been disconnected
or is otherwise out of service.

Plato

 okay Glaucon so
i want you to picture a cave full of prisoners
who have been in the cave their whole lives
 
and they’re all shackled in a line facing the back wall

 my god
what a nightmare
 those poor people

 ok no
I mean yes, it’s terrible, but no that’s not the point
anyhow
they’re shackled so they can only look at the back wall
 
they can’t move their heads

 what monster would do this 

 and there’s a fire behind them 

 A FIRE IN THE CAVE
MY GOD
THESE POOR SOULS WILL BURN TO DEATH
 WE MUST RESCUE THEM

 no it’s just
it’s just a thought experiment
 
I want to talk about epistemology

 WHAT FOUL SPIRIT WOULD CHAIN HUMAN BEINGS UNDER
 THE EARTH LIKE HADES

 no one
no one
 
they’re just there

 WE MUST MAKE HASTE
 THESE SHACKLED CITIZENS CANNOT FREE THEMSELVES

 it’s an allegory
 
the cave is just an allegory

 IMPOSSIBLE
IT IS THE WORK OF A KNAVE AND A BRIGAND
 AND I SHALL NOT REST UNTIL HE IS DEAD

Circe

 hi Odysseus
 what are you doing for dinner tonight

 Circe. 

 what
 oh my god whatttt

 Circe 

 stop it with my name
i don’t know what you’re mad about
 are you mad

 Circe I’m not coming over for dinner 

 whyyyyy 

 you know why 

 no i don’t
I’m a witch
not a
 not the captain of knowing why of things

 what are all those pigs doing outside your house 

 I don’t know
whatever pigs do
 truffle-hunting

 Circe 

 i think the technical term is mycophagy
 but I’m not 100% on that

 where did the pigs come from Circe 

 i don’t know
a pig farm
a pig mommy and a pig daddy who loved each other very much
 and gave each other a special handshake

 CIRCE 

 oh my god okay fine
they’re your crew, you got me
 i turned all of your friends into pigs

 why did you turn my friends into pigs 

 i don’t know
maybe the real question is
why are your friends
 so turn-into-pigsable

 turn them back into humans 

 will you come over for dinner if i turn them back into humans 

 turn them back into humans first and we’ll talk 

 uuugh
 Finnnneeeee

 and turn them back into REGULAR humans 

 what do you mean 

 just like how they were before
not
i don’t know
half-pig men
or a thousand years old
or with no arms
 
just the same, normal people

 haha oh my god
what do you even think i am
 i would never do that

 Circe
 
you own an entire island of badgermen

 you don’t know that island wasn’t already like that when I got here 

 was it like
 
was it full of half-men half-badgers?

 i don’t have to answer that question
it was full of a lot of things when i got here
anyhow shut up
i fixed your stupid friends
 who by the way are stupid and boring

 CIRCE 

 im kidddddding godddd
 

Medea

Part II

 hiiiiii
hi hi hi
its me again (Medea, just in case im not
already in your phone yet)
 how was the dress???

 oh do you know
I actually haven’t had the chance to try it on yet
 
I’ve been so busy

 okay
okay that’s not a problem
 I sent you guys something else

 I don’t think we have anything 

 look outside 

 it’s another box 

 THE BOX IS FROM ME
 (are you surprised)

 a little bit
 
how did you know where we live

 i mean
how does anyone know anything right
 you should open the box right now

 it’s a cake 

 for your wedding!
so just
go ahead and eat some right now
to make sure that it’s normal and good
for the wedding
 and tell me if you like it!!!

 Medea 

 are you eating it
 how does it taste

 Medea I’m not eating this cake 

 oh sorry can you not eat processed flour
i should have asked
 do you have allergies

 Medea
 
I’m not going to try on the dress or eat this cake

 why not??? 

 you know why
 
they’re both full of poison

 whaaaat 

 the cake is black and the icing ate right through the box 

 how would poison even get in there 

 the dress caught on fire
 
that’s how much poison was on it

 well i’m going to
i’m going to have a very stern talk with that seamstress
 ill get you another present to make up for it

 please don’t