Texts from Jane Eyre (7 page)

 hey
do you think we could just stay in tonight maybe
i’m so wiped out from last night
we could just stay in
get in our jammies and not see anyone
 maybe build a fire

 oh wow
 
really?

 hahaha i’m kidding
there’s already a sex pigeon in your room
 i’m coming over in five minutes

 oh 

 by the way
do you have that cream from before
the anti chafing cream
we’re going to need a lot of it
 to prevent chafing

 oh okay 

 choirboys chafe easy imho 

 uuuuuuuughhh
 nothing’s any good

 what’s the matter 

 EVERYTHING
 do you realize i’m never going to be able to have sex with the rain

 i didn’t know you wanted to have sex with the rain 

 of course i want to have sex with the rain
how can you even say that
 i feel like you don’t even know me

 maybe
you should focus
 
on all the things that you can have sex with

 Yeah maybe
 i just want to live you know

 right 

 i want to have a threesome with the moon and jealousy 

 right 

 Yeah and i want to do it with the rain but i can’t
uuuuuuuughhhh
 i should just go die in Greece

 what? 

 nothing 

 I wrote a poem today
 do you want to hear it

 okay 

 Near this Spot
are deposited the Remains of one
who possessed Beauty without Vanity,
Strength without Insolence,
Courage without Ferosity,
and all the virtues of Man without his Vices.
This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery
if inscribed over human Ashes,
is but a just tribute to the Memory of
BOATSWAIN, a DOG,
who was born in Newfoundland May 1803
and died at Newstead Nov. 18, 1808.
hey totally unrelated
do you remember how many children i have?
i’m trying to do a tax thing right now
and i have nooooo idea haha
like
 it’s for sure SOME

 no sorry 

 fuck
i gotta write some letters
 uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhhhh

John Keats

 oh my god
oh my god
do you know what I LOVE
 like what I am just crazy about

 is it this urn 

 THIS
 URN

 I figured
 
you seemed really excited

 THIS GRECIAN URN 

 it’s really pretty 

 FUCK OFF WITH THAT REALLY PRETTY BULLSHIT
IT’S THE BRIDE OF QUIETNESS
IT’S THE CHILD OF TIME AND OF SILENCE AND IT’S SO GOOD
IT’S LIKE IMAGINARY MUSIC
I FUCKING LOVE THIS URN SO MUCH
IT’S GOT A PRIEST ON IT
HE’S ALL MYSTERIOUS
FUCKIN MYSTERIOUS PRIEST
THERE’S A COW ON IT
WEARING FLOWERS
AND MAIDENS
IT’S GOT TRUTH ON IT
THIS URN TELLS THE GODDAMN TRUTH
 IT’S SO BEAUTIFUL

 right, right 

 FUCK YOU
 ARE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT IT

 I am
 
I am looking at it

 ARE YOU REALLY LOOKING AT IT 

 I am
 
I swear

 like really look at it though 

 okay
 
okay I will

 good
 Sorry

 it’s okay 

 I didn’t mean to get so carried away 

 I know 

 I just love this urn
 so much

 it really is a great urn 

 it really is
 i just love it so much

 I know
 
it’s okay

Emma

 darling Emma
have you seen our friend Mr. Martin?
 
he was to take me to tea this afternoon but he isn’t here

 oh Harriet!
 do you really still like him??

 oh
I did
 
Yes

 i told him you were not virtuous
and i think that got rid of him
i didn’t think you still liked him
you wouldn’t have liked him for much longer anyhow
lol what would your name even have been if
you married him
“Mrs. Farmer”??
that’s not even a name, Harriet
“hi I’m Mrs. Farmer I’m married to a farm”
bugs live on farms, Harriet
also
for another thing
he is dreadful at whist
oooh
 do you want to come over and play whist??

 wait
i think it was Mr. Martin
i definitely told SOMEONE you were not virtuous
lollll
idk who exactly but
 it was for sure definitely someone

 Father
I want to make a new house rule
no more servants getting married
remember when Miss Taylor got married?
it was awful
we didn’t have enough people in the house to play whist for weeks
anyhow
I guess what I’m trying to say is
I told Hannah she has to turn down Mr. Smith
I was firm but fair
she’s the only one in the servant’s hall to ever lead a grand slam
and she wanted to throw that away
just because she is with child
anyhow
 want to come downstairs and play whist???

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 do you know what I can’t stand 

 what 

 reserved people 

 oh my god right 

 I could definitely never marry a reserved person 

 ahhhhhh Frank
I’m the same
 me too I’m the same way

 do you know what I LOVE though
 
living life to the fullest

 shut up 

 and dancing 

 and whist?? 

 oh totally whist
whisting to the fullest
 
I agree completely

 wow
we’re like the same person
 the same not-reserved person

 I’ve never met anyone like you 

 Frank
would you like to come over and play whist?
no
not whist
 Piquet

 ahhh sorry can’t
i’m married
 
:(