Texts from Jane Eyre (5 page)

 you’re damn right it’d be something
caves of ice
and ancestral war voices prophesying about damsels
and sacred rivers screaming beware
and your hair would float
and
ugh hang on
two seconds
 there’s a guy here

 ok 

 be right back 

 you still there? 

 uuuuugh
 that guy

 who was it? 

 some asshole from Porlock 

 what did he want 

 to talk to me for like
a million hours
about nothing
apparently
anyhow
what was i saying
fuck
 what was i saying

 something about a river 

 no
that wasn’t it
fuuuuuck
 hey do you have any opium

Hamlet

Part IV

 your friends are here to see you
 
do you want me to send them up?

 they’re not my real friends
 if they were really my friends theyd leave me alone

 your girlfriend’s here with them
 
should she leave you alone too?

 first of all
she’s not my girlfriend
second of all
 denmark is a PRISON

 maybe if you left your room
it wouldn’t seem so much like one
maybe if you went outside
 
or just came down to dinner maybe

 stop telling me what to do
you’re a fascist
everything is such bullshit
men
women
animals
the sky
you
 such bullshit

Part II

Jane Eyre

 JANE
MY LITTLE SUNBEAM
WHERE ARE YOU
 I NEED YOU BY MY SIDE

 I’m taking a walk
 
be back for dinner

 AH YES MY CAGED SPRITE
COMMUNE WITH NATURE AND UPON YOUR RETURN
RELATE TO ME THE VAGRANT GLORIES OF THE
 RUINED WOODS

 do you really want me to describe my walk to you 

 MORE THAN ANYTHING YOU POCKET WITCH 

 it is fairly cloudy out
 
looks like rain soon

 AHHH TO THINK THAT MY LITTLE STARLING JANE
SHOULD RETURN
TO PERCH ON MY BROKEN MALFORMED SHOULDER
SINGING A SONG OF THE GREY AND WRACKING SKIES
 MAKES MY HEART SWELL TO BURST

 all right 

 JANE
JANE I BOUGHT YOU A DRESS MADE OF TEN
 THOUSAND PEARLS AS A BRIDAL PRESENT

 where on earth would I wear that 

 YOU COULD WEAR IT ON THE MOON 

 that seems impractical
 
how would i even breathe on the moon?

 I WOULD BREATHE FOR YOU MY JANE
JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE
I AM BEREFT AND WITHOUT MY JANE
 I SHALL SINK INTO ROGUERY

 i am with my cousins 

 WHICH COUSIN
 IS IT THE SEXY ONE

 Please don’t try to talk to me again 

 IT IS YOUR SEXY COUSIN
“ST. JOHN”
 WHAT KIND OF A NAME IS ST. JOHN

 I’m not going to answer that 

 I KNEW IT
DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE
 IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

 yes
 
Absolutely

 BECAUSE MY HOUSE IN FRANCE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN ATTIC
IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT
IT HAS A CELLAR THOUGH SO YOU KNOW
DON’T CROSS ME
 HAHA I’M ONLY JOKING

 I hope you’re packed for India already 

 I’m not going to India with you, St. John 

 That’s not what these TWO TICKETS TO INDIA say 

 You know I don’t want to marry you
Why don’t you marry Rosamond instead?
 
Take her with you

 Marry her?
MARRY HER?
Don’t be ridiculous
I’m attracted to her
That’s disgusting
 You are disgusting, Jane

 So you’re really not coming then 

 I’m really not 

 I would be an amazing husband
 you know that?

 I know 

 I taught you Hindi and everything
That’s basically the same as getting engaged
 for missionaries

 And I really appreciate that
 
It will be terribly useful in my career as an English governess

 See?
That
There.
that is exactly the kind of tone I mean
One round of cholera in the tropics would sear
 that sarcasm right out of you

 guess I really missed out 

 Guess so 

Sherlock Holmes

 this is quite a puzzle, Watson 

 damned right, Holmes
hell of a puzzle
what I want to know is how did the vicar know the archbishop’s
 
Pekingese had developed an immunity to snake bites?

 there’s only one thing we’re missing
 only one thing we need that will help us solve this case

 we need to question Lady Emily again 

 no, Watson 

 oh
it’s not
 
…

 COCAINE, WATSON 

 ah 

 we’re going to need loads of cocaine
 SCADS of it

 Sherlock, the others are already on their way
 
We’ve got to meet them at the museum

 I yes
yes yes yes definitely for yes will be there
just give me five minutes for an errand
to do
 five minutes

 Sherlock please don’t
Sherlock?
Christ
at least tell me where you are
 
so I can come get you

 I’m sorry Lestrade
I don’t think he’s coming
I’ve tried calling him but he’s not picking up
it’s snowing
 
and I don’t think he took a coat with him