Texts from Jane Eyre (4 page)

 okay i’ll wait 

 it might take a little while
 
things are pretty crazy around here right now

 be right here
 whenever you get back

John Donne

 i just think it’s a little weird
you don’t mind when a flea bites both of us
but you won’t have sex with me
 i wouldn’t even bite you

 what 

 unless you wanted me to
obviously if you wanted me to i would bite you
 but the biting’s really not the point here

 i didn’t let the flea bite me
 
i didn’t even know it was there

 see
that’s just how easy having sex with me is
wait
that’s not
 that’s not exactly what i mean

 i really don’t see what the flea has to do with us 

 it means we’re basically married
it has my blood and your blood in it
so
you’ve technically already had sex with me
 and you might as well do it again

 i don’t
wait
 
but there could be a lot of other blood in there too

 well we might have to have sex with all those people too 

 what 

 don’t get mad at me
 get mad at the flea for making me have sex with so many people

 look i’ll just kill the flea
okay?
 
the flea is gone

 oh my god you’ll kill our blood baby
 but you won’t even have sex with me

      Hamlet

 hey kiddo
 
are you coming down for dinner

 fuck you 

 okay
 
sorry honey

 your not sorry at all 

 do you want me to bring you a sandwich? 

 i wish i was dead 

 okay honey
 
but do you want a sandwich first

 what kind of sandwich 

 we’re having tuna fish 

 okay 

 okay you still want to die?
 
or okay you want me to bring you a tuna fish sandwich?

 uuuuughhh
 you dont get it

 i’ll bring you the sandwich just in case 

 i dont want one if theres the little crunchy things in it 

 capers? 

 no
 the little crunchy things

 celery? 

 NO
 THE LITTLE CRUNCHY THINGS

 relish? 

 yeah 

 i don’t think there’s any relish in them but i’ll check 

 bring two
 if i dont die i want one for later

 okay 

 dont come in though 

 I won’t 

 im working on something and i dont want you to look at it
 so just leave them by the door

Don Quixote

 Dulcinea
DULCINEA
BESTIR YOURSELF
dragons -
 dragons everywhere -

 where are there dragons?
 
where are you?

 I am beset by dragons, my love!
there has been perfidy
in this strange land of iron islands
 and wraiths that drape themselves in steam

 are you in the kitchen? 

 no kitchen could produce a bellow so terrifying
nor a stench so foul
 as that of these steel dragons

 i think you are in the kitchen 

 they perch upon nests of flame!! 

 yes
you are absolutely in the kitchen
 
that is the tea kettle

 I WILL SLAY THEM ALL 

 please do not stab my tea kettle 

 ah, dear one
your concern for my safety does you credit
but a man must be brave
where is my steed
where is Rocinante
 I REQUIRE SWIFTNESS

Hamlet

Part II

 Did you just take a tray up to him 

 up to who? 

 
 Don’t do that

 don’t do what 

 Pretend you don’t know who I’m talking about 

 well he needs to eat
I don’t know what to tell you
 
he’s a growing boy and he needs to eat

 How old is he? 

 I don’t understand what that’s supposed to mean 

 I mean
 how old does he have to get before he stops growing

 People are always growing 

 He’s 37 

 He’s still in school! 

 He can eat dinner with us like a normal human being or he can
 wait until breakfast like everyone else

 I can’t believe you 

 Maybe if you didn’t let him sleep in until noon
 he’d be hungry at dinner

 Maybe if you talked to him he wouldn’t want to stay
 
in his room all the time

René Descartes

 are you up
i can’t sleep
what if there’s an evil demon as clever and deceitful as he is powerful
 who has directed his entire effort to misleading me

 i don’t know
i guess that would be awful
 
go back to sleep

 what if that’s just what the evil demon wants me to do 

 i don’t know 

 oh my god
what if i’m asleep already
what if i’m dreaming right now
 and all of my perceptions are false

 i don’t know
then I guess it doesn’t matter
 
so you might as well just go back to sleep

 how can you think of sleep at a time like this 

 well i usually am asleep at three in the morning
 
it’s a habit of mine

 maybe you just think it’s a habit of yours
 maybe the evil demon is deceiving you too

 maybe 

 what is a dream but a series of lies designed to keep us
 immobilized in a dark room for hours at a time

 that’s a good point
i’m going to go back to sleep and i’ll think about that while i’m
 
dreaming

 that sounds like something an evil demon would say 

 guess I’ll just have to take that chance 

 are you really going back to sleep
are you sleeping
don’t go to sleep
 i want to talk about math

William Wordsworth

 hi 

 hey 

 how are you 

 pretty good thanks! 

 good
good
thats good
im glad someones doing good today
thats good
 for you

 how are you doing, William? 

 oh dont worry about me 

 I’m not worried 

 no need to worry about how im doing 

 I’m just asking
 
how you’re doing

 ahhhhhhhhh
i just feel like
a cloud
you know?
 like a cloud looking at flowers

 oh
 
I’m sorry?

 just a lonely old cloud
made of vapor and sadness
and whatever else clouds are made of
looking at flowers
wandering
 alone

 William
 
do you want me to come over?

 no
i dont care
 i dont want to bother you

 it’s no trouble 

 how can you even visit a cloud
too busy wandering
lonely
 over hills and things

 do you want me to come over? 

 that would be nice
yes
 please

Hamlet

Part III

 they had the little crunchy things in them 

 oh honey I’m sorry
 
I thought I picked all of them out

 well
 you didnt

 do you want something else? 

 no 

 are you sure? 

 i ate them anyway
they were okay i guess
i guess i dont mind the little crunchy things that much
  :)

 that girl keeps calling for you by the way 

 tell her im not here 

 are you sure? 

 yes im busy
 im working on my project

 let me just come in for five minutes so I can vacuum for you
 
I promise I won’t get in the way of your project

 DON’T COME IN MY ROOM 

 okay
okay I won’t
I’m sorry honey
Hamlet?
 
honey?

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

 what if the moon was haunted
 by women who had sex with demons

 what 

 what if kubla khan made a whole dome
just for pleasure
and put an ocean underneath the ground
 with no sun in it

 wow
 
i don’t know

 and rivers flung boulders up out of the earth at people
haha
 flung ’em right up at people’s stupid faces

 i guess that would really be something