Texts from Jane Eyre (9 page)
Read Texts from Jane Eyre Online
Authors: Mallory Ortberg
hey what are you doing
like right now
i am shrouded in blackness
in ten times black
i am tending to the oil vats and stripping the fat
awesome
awesome
that sounds awesome
Do you need something from me, Captain?
not really
I guess not
are you with Queequeg right now
he is in his bunk
recovering from his brush with death
cool cool
will you tell him I say hi?
certainly
great
it’s not a big deal or anything
you can make it sound casual
ask him what he’s doing for dinner
if he wants to have dinner in the captain’s quarters
with me obviously
haha
like obviously I wouldn’t ask him to just have dinner
by himself in a weird new part of the ship all alone
Is there any other message I should give him?
hmm?
About the hunt tomorrow?
hunt tomorrow
For the whale
For the white whale
for the white whale, or the devil
yesss oh yes definitely
yes for sure that is still on
whales whales whales
I am super prepared for whales
Tomorrow
I will tell him
Would you like me to ask him if he will attend the hunt, then?
oh my God
why so many Queequeg questions
Captain?
you’re just
asking a lot of questions about him is all
it’s kind of like you’re obsessed with him or something
do you ever worry
that the whale is like
a metaphor
a metaphor?
yeah
sometimes
me too
me too
do you wanna nail stuff to the mast?
yeah
ok
be there in five
Sir, the crew begs that you leave off your mad pursuit
We are sick from it, we are sick to the point of perishing
We must return to port
oh
yes
terribly mad
I’m just mad for
revenge and so on
all types of revenge for my legs, and whatnot
Sir?
leg
just the leg
he only took the one leg right
Captain, I do not know what the whale took from you
oh I’m just
furious about it
the legs, I mean
and the whale
Please
Did you know that the digestive organs of the whale are so
inscrutably constructed that it is quite impossible for him to
completely digest even a man’s arm?
I didn’t
well it’s true
think about that
think about that the next time you’re thinking about whales
Great Expectations
Sarah, darling!
Got your note
oh lovely
couldn’t possibly make it over for the christening
as I’m simply swamped at the moment
(you may recall I was left at the altar
and have spent the intervening years reeling from the betrayal)
yes I remember
Wish terribly I could make it
but you know how it is
being jilted
Well
we’ll set out a piece of cake for you just in case
Please don’t worry about me
I’m surrounded by the ruins of an aching, hopeless love that’s
slowly congealing into poison
so I’m keeping busy
much love to the baby
thank you
if it’s a boy I hope you drown it
Pip
Pip what are you doing right now
I’m at work
what’s up
did you know that my name would have been Mrs. Compeyson
if I’d married my fiancé Mr. Compeyson
really
but I never did marry him
right
because as you recall
I was abandoned on my wedding day
by my fiancé
(Mr. Compeyson)
and have never never
never recovered
but I’m just thrilled to hear that you’re doing so well
just Havisham will do for now
unless he comes back
is there anything in particular you need from me right now?
all men are dogs Pip
okay
write that down
I will
really write it down though
are you writing it down?
yes
I think you’re just saying you’re writing it down
no I wrote it down
Estella what are you doing tonight
do you want to come over and look at wedding photos
I don’t think I can
that’s okay
I never had wedding photos anyway
because I never got to have a wedding
I don’t know if I ever told you that
I never want to see another save the date invite again
oh my godddd
Has she been doing it to you too?
YES
or like
I think so
because I keep getting pictures of wedding dresses from a
blocked number
Gone with the Wind
where r u
Scarlett I’m at work
I can’t text right now
need u at mill
Scarlett I have the baby with me I really can’t come to the mill
what baby
My baby.
Beau. My baby with Melanie.
guess what kind of corset im wearing
I don’t see what this has to do with
im not ;)