2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (26 page)

You have no idea how frank these TV medical shows are. I saw one that covered abortion, leprosy, and venereal disease. It's the first time I ever enjoyed a sinus commercial.

Headache commercials are always talking about fast, fast relief. What fast? It takes an hour just to get the cotton out of the bottle!

The commercials on television are a little like watching those old army training films. I've never seen so many things I could do without.

I love to watch
A Christmas Carol
on TV because it's so honest. They show four commercials and then Scrooge says, “Humbug!”

I'll never forget the first time I discovered I was middle-aged. It was the day they showed a TV commercial for heartburn, nagging backache, and/falling hair—and I realized I was listening to it.

I love to watch the commercials on television: “I get seventy-five dollars a week in extra cash when I'm in the hospital!” “How do you do that?” “I mug doctors!”

Be honest now. Don't those big balloons in the Thanksgiving Day Parade remind you of one of the candidates? Hot air entirely surrounded by a very thin skin?

Thanksgiving is when the frost is on the pumpkin and the corn is in shock—at what butchers are asking for turkeys!

All you have to do is ask your butcher what he's charging a pound and you'll know that turkeys aren't the only ones who are getting it in the neck!

Don't you just hate people who show off? Like my neighbors had a thirty-four-pound turkey. I didn't mind that so much. It's what they stuffed it with—a twenty-four-pound turkey.

I'm not going to go to my brother-in-law's anymore. Cheap? Last Thanksgiving he served a margarineball turkey!

An optimist is a turkey who spends the month before Thanksgiving going, “Moooo!”

Take my advice—never buy one of those frozen turkeys. We had one last year—eighteen pounds! When the goose bumps went down—two and a half!

I'll tell you how big this bird was. We stuffed it with bread crumb.

Thanksgiving is when the oven says to the turkey, “I'm hot for your body!”

I love those electric carving knives. Now you can be hurt worse than the turkey is!

The scene is the first Thanksgiving dinner. Two Indians finish their pumpkin pie, thank their hosts, and start walking back to their tribe. As they get out of earshot, one Indian says, “What did you think?” The other answers, “I'll tell you something—a Julia Child they're not!”

This morning my wife asked me what kind of cake she should make for Thanksgiving dinner. I said, “Are your relatives coming over?” She said, “Yes.” I said, “How about sponge?”

Every year we have my wife's relatives over for a real old-fashioned Thanksgiving. We provide the giving and they provide the thanks.

I won't say how they ate but every two hours we stopped to carry out the wounded!

You have no idea how my wife's relatives can eat. One year I bent over to say grace and when I looked up again, somebody was handing me an after-dinner mint.

You should see the way they eat. You know how some people, after a meal, count the silver? We count the kids!

I really didn't have too much to eat at Thanksgiving dinner. My wife put the turkey on the table and said her uncle took care of the dressing. He's an expert on stuffing. I said, “Really? He's a chef?” She said, “No. A mortician.”

My brother-in-law held up the wishbone and said, “Would you like to make a wish?” I said, “It's too late. You're here!”

I sat next to my brother-in-law. Course, I don't call him my brother-in-law. He's more like our resident tapeworm.… This man is to food what Anacin is to headaches!

Thanksgiving is a time that brings people together. I met a cousin I hadn't seen in twenty years. I said, “What have you been doing?” He said, “Twenty years!”

We had a wild Thanksgiving last year. I won the wishbone pull and my mother-in-law came down with food poisoning. I never knew those things worked!

One year I cooked the Thanksgiving dinner and my wife said, “That's what I call a surprise.” Which was pretty nice of her. The doctor called it “ptomaine”!

My wife says it's a torn turkey but I'm not so sure. We can't get the wing off its hip!

We stuffed the turkey with oysters and it was very unusual. It's the first time I ever saw a turkey reading
Playboy
!

Kids are great at Thanksgiving. These three kids were talking and one of them said, “I'm gonna have three helpings of turkey, four helpings of stuffing, and five pieces of mince pie!” The second kid said, “I'm gonna have four helpings of turkey, five helpings of stuffing, and six pieces of mince pie!” The third kid said, “I'm gonna make a pig of myself!”

You know who I feel sorry for at Thanksgiving dinners? Weight Watchers! They must feel like the checkroom attendant at an orgy.

The problem with every Thanksgiving dinner is: The drinks go right to your head and the roast potatoes go right to your hips!

My wife is one of those creative cooks. You know how some people put stuffing in the turkey? She puts bicarbonate in. Why wait till the last minute?

And at the end of every Thanksgiving dinner we have a touch of the bubbly. A touch of the bubbly—Alka-Seltzer!

An optimist is anyone who has a twenty-eight-pound turkey for Thanksgiving—and the next day asks, “What's for lunch?”

The week after Thanksgiving is when you sit down to dinner and ask, “Are we having pheasant under glass?” And your wife answers, “No. We're having turkey under Saran wrap!”

It's the same thing every year. First you have roast turkey. Then the next day you have warmed-up turkey, followed by cold turkey, followed by turkey croquettes, followed by turkey omelette, followed by turkey hash, followed by turkey soup, followed by Christmas!

I never knew my wife saved leftovers until she gave me a turkey salad and there was something in it—tinsel.

I have a thing about leftovers. I won't even go out with a widow.

Show me a man who throws Thanksgiving leftovers into the garbage and I'll show you a fella who quits cold turkey!

___________ has all kinds of legal gambling. If you want to take a chance in the morning, you can buy a lottery ticket. If you want to take a chance in the afternoon, you can bet on the horses. If you want to take a chance at night, you can play Bingo. And if you want to take a chance at midnight—you can walk to the corner.

You think I'm kidding? If you take a walk at two o'clock in the morning and you're not mugged—you start checking your deodorant.

Last year my neighbor was robbed of $60 so he went out and bought a hundred-pound police dog. In six months, the dog ate $752 worth of meat. Yesterday he got rid of the dog and asked the robber for a second chance!

When there's a will there's a way. We couldn't afford a watchdog so we did the next best thing. We taught the kids how to bark.

They even have a song about people who live in high-crime districts: “Button Up Your Overcoat, Someone Stole Your Pants.”

It's such a friendly town. Last night alone we had three visitors. Two while we were home.

I didn't mind when they stole our black and white TV set. I didn't mind when they stole our color TV set. But when they changed the address on our subscription to
TV Guide,
that was going too far!

I stopped a burglary last night and it's only because I think fast on my feet. It's three o'clock in the morning and I see this fella tiptoeing into my living room. So, quick as a flash, I say to myself, “How many ballet dancers do I know?”

The guy who said, “You can't take it with you,” never saw my family pack for a trip.

I love to travel because it brings something into your life you never had before—poverty.

My favorite national park is Yellowstone—the only national park that's rated X. Somebody is always saying, “Don't look now, but there's a bear behind!”

The national parks are a very educational experience. The first thing you learn is never pat a bear on the head. And if you don't, the
last
thing you learn is never pat a bear on the head.

If you think it's a small world, try seeing it by bus.

Kids have a totally different way to pack for a three-month trip to Europe. They take one shirt, one pair of pants, one pair of sandals, and a change of guitar.

All you parents who have been saving for years and have never been able to get to Europe—it's easy. All you have to do is die and come back as a guitar!

It's so impressive being in St. Peter's Square. Where else can you see traffic signs that say
KNEEL, DON'T KNEEL
?

You have to give the Royal Family credit. When they hold their nose in the air, they look regal. When I do it, I fall downstairs.

A loser is somebody who plays Monopoly and gets mugged on Boardwalk!

In this life, the quality of mercy is not strained—which explains why so many of us get our lumps!

Did you hear about the sex maniac who was pleading his own case and doing a great job—until he came to the summation. He said, “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am innocent of this dastardly
accusation and so I would like to throw myself on the mercy of the court—not to mention the blonde in the second row!”

You know you're a loser when certain things happen. Like yesterday a Good Humor man yelled at me.

We just don't look prosperous. I know we don't look prosperous. Every time the Avon lady comes she shows us seconds.

Nothing ever seems to go right for me. I have a canary who hums.

I was the only boy scout who couldn't start a fire by rubbing two sticks together. I either had to carry matches or Mrs. O'Leary's cow.

I'm so unlucky, if I bought an aspirin factory, they'd repeal the income tax.

I've always settled for second-best. Like I go to a dermatologist with acne.

You think you have troubles. My sundial is slow.

I'll tell you what kind of a life I've been leading. Last month my phone bill was $142—and this was just to Dial-A-Prayer!

I'm so nervous, what my cup runneth over is me!

I'm so insecure, I have a rowing machine with a life preserver!

You think you have troubles? I bought that washday miracle that makes my laundry smell as fresh as all outdoors—and I live in Bayonne! [
LOCALIZE.
]

I'm so discouraged, sometimes I wish Noah had built the
Titanic.

I'll tell you what kind of a day I had. The car broke down going in to work. I had an argument with the boss. I lost my biggest account. The mechanic charged me $143 to fix the car. I got home, dropped into my favorite chair, and located the one egg we couldn't find at Easter.

You can't trust anything these days. I went into one of those little stores downtown, put a quarter into a machine marked
PEEP SHOW
, and got five minutes of the Hartz Mountain Canaries!

Did you ever have one of those days when everything goes wrong?

For instance, every year I've been going out to Chicago because I have relations there. My wife just found out with whom.

Do you ever get the feeling you're going nowhere—and have already arrived?

I dunno. Sometimes I feel like the nurse who gives Mickey Rooney his flu shots. I'm always getting the short end of things.

I knew I was in trouble when my mother-in-law showed up for a weekend visit with six suitcases and her cemetery deed.

Misery is having your wife clean your false teeth—
in the blender.

We have all kinds of pets. We have birds who specialize in singing; we have dogs who specialize in barking; we have cats who specialize in meowing; and we have turtles who specialize in dying.

Be honest now. Have you ever bought one of those turtles that lasted for more than a month? I can't understand it. I think they sell us geriatric turtles.… We have a fish bowl that's permanently in mourning.

I don't want to complain, but just once I'd like to get a turtle that isn't a factory second.

I figured it out: Last year I spent five hours planting seeds in my garden—and five weeks planting turtles.

Some fathers come home from work and ask, “What's new?” I ask, “Who went?”

I'll never forget what happened to our first turtle. I told my kid he should keep it in a bowl. He picked the one in the bathroom.

And it upset him because my kid is very conscious of money. You know how some kids have a pet turtle and on the shell it says
SOUVENIR OF NEW YORK
or
SOUVENIR OF WASHINGTON, D.C.
? He has one that says
SOUVENIR OF
79¢
PLUS TAX
!

The trouble with turtles is, you don't even know
when
they're dead.
They lie there for ten days, and just when you're getting ready to throw them out, they make a move. We have the same problem with our oldest son.

The big problem with turtles is feeding them. Turtles are just like kids. They never eat what you put in front of them.… You buy a dog, a hamster, or a canary and they eat everything. You buy a turtle and they're always on a diet!

And turtles spend a lot of time crawling all over each other—and so slowly. Looks like an orgy at Sun City.

Have you ever watched a turtle walk? They're so slow and careful and deliberate. You don't know whether to give them a push or the name of a good chiropodist!

Did you ever get the feeling prosperity
has
returned—but it can't get through the unemployment lines?

The two biggest problems facing America today:
PARTISAN POLITICS:
when you pass the buck,
UNEMPLOYMENT:
when the buck passes you!

The nice part about being unemployed is, when you turn over in the morning—you're there.