Healing Faith (41 page)

Even my room seemed foreign. Nothing here seemed to
suit me anymore. The small television, the computer on the desk,
the pile of CDs. I tucked deeper into my covers wanting to hide
from it all. Nothing of my life here felt like home anymore. I was
suddenly homesick for the creaky little bed and the warmth of my
adopted sisters.

Stacy knocked on my door half an hour later, after
some muffled arguing downstairs. When I let her in, she took in the
candles and quietly slid into the bed behind me, hugging me close
to comfort me. She let me lay there quietly for sometime, working
out all the thoughts jumbled in my head.

About the Bergers. Fannie and the girls.

What were they doing right now? Had they run to find
Jonah and Nathan? Could they even begin to look for me? Would they?
Or would they decide it was in God's hands, as I had come to learn
was their way?

Nathan.

I let the tears fall quietly as I thought of him and
what he must be feeling with me gone. Someone else, taken from him.
He was alone again. I closed my eyes and lay there in the dark,
seeing in my head the face I missed most. He had to be hurting. I
could feel the deep ache in my heart, and knew it was not just
mine.

I had to get back somehow.

Stacy stroked my hair and let out a soft sigh behind
me.

“I can’t stay here, Stacy,” I whispered in the
growing darkness.

She sat up and regarded me thoughtfully.

“You can come back with me,” she suggested. “I have a
couch to sleep on. With some time, we can get you into
classes.”

I shook my head and shifted in the bed, holding back
a groan from the aches and pains.

“I had a place, Stacy,” I start and closed my eyes,
trying to figure out where to start.

“With this Nathan,” she said, prompting me
easily.

“He is great, Stacy,” I started and couldn’t help the
slow smile on my face. She chuckled and leaned up against the
headboard, drawing my head into her lap.

“So tell me all about him,” she said and listened as
I launched into my journey.

Broken down busses.

A scared but intriguing young man with a magnetic
pull to my heart.

A simpler life.

Happiness and love. Purpose and family.

All the things I had wanted to find at the beginning
of that trip.

“And you can see yourself there?” she asked gently.
“Even with the crazy religious beliefs and patriarchal
structure?”

My sister was always one to defy gender roles.

“It’s not like that,” I argued, looking up into her
eyes. “They have religion, yes. Their life lives by it. But it’s
more. I can’t explain it. And Jonah and the men I have met are
respectful of their wives. And Nathan is sweet and not overbearing.
He’s more. It’s just…there’s more love there.”

She laughed and shifted under me, slipping out of bed
and shaking her head.

“You haven’t had that many good role models, Kate.
You were there for a few weeks; I don’t think you could experience
everything about them in that time. I wouldn’t jump into the first
bed you find that seems sweet and innocent. You’ll find yourself
with twelve kids and no painkillers,” she said, her voice a little
wistful.

“I can’t stay here,” I said again softly.

“I know,” she replied and leaned down to kiss me on
the head. “Let’s give Deputy Stevens a couple of days to find and
arrest Sean. Let you get healed up too. I leave the day after
tomorrow. You can always come with me.”

I nodded and blew out the candles after she left. My
room darkened as the sun disappeared, and all I could think of was
what I might have been doing at the Bergers. Dinner done, dishes
washed, maybe out on the swing already.

What was Nathan doing with me gone?

I fell asleep with him in my head, the image of his
back as he walked up his lonely hill following me in my dreams all
night long. Tossing and turning, never finding myself comfortable
in my old bed, I found myself awake before the dawn. I couldn't
fight my internal clock. I had grown used to waking up early, and
even with the time change and my battered body, I had to get
up.

Turning on the overly bright fluorescent light to the
bathroom I washed up, feeling the strange vibration of my old
toothbrush drill away at my head. I glanced in the mirror,
grimacing at the bruises. The swelling around my eye had gone down
considerably, but the evidence was still there, even if my dad
refused to believe it.

I looked at myself again, willing myself to be
strong. I'd be here long enough to see Sean arrested. I hoped they
didn't want me there for the trial. I frowned in the mirror at the
thought of being here for months while we waited. Months of dealing
with my dad's uncomfortable looks, months without Nathan.

I couldn't do it.

I needed resolution. I needed my dad to understand,
and then let me go. Perhaps this was the means I needed to do as
the Elders had asked. To finalize my goodbyes to the English
world.

Making my way down to the kitchen I sighed at the
disarray I found there and set to work cleaning it up. I would have
never worried as much before, but Fannie kept a clean kitchen, and
my father's embarrassed me. I had the room cleaned from floor to
ceiling; trash taken out to the can outside, and breakfast nearly
done by the time my father came down at his usual six thirty. He
stopped in the doorway, his mouth open wide when he saw what I had
done.

"Katie, this is cleaner than it's ever been. How long
have you been up?" he asked, looking around to find I had even
wiped down the cobwebs on the ceiling fan.

"Before dawn," I mumbled and slipped his plate of
food onto the table before he had even sat down.

I poured myself some juice and brought his coffee to
him before sliding in to sit across from him at the table. He eyed
the meal in wonder and shook his head in amazement.

"You made all this? What are these?" he asked and
pointed to the corn cakes.

I averted my eyes and concentrated on buttering my
toast with the margarine.

"They're corn cakes. I didn't have everything I
needed, but maybe they're all right," I whispered, feeling my
throat burn.

"Mmm, they're not half bad. Could use some honey or
jam, though. Kind of bland," he replied and dug in to the eggs.

I watched quietly as he ate, barely touching my food
as I thought about how Nathan had smiled and thanked me every time
I had made him food. Never a complaint. Just grateful to be
eating.

I missed his smile.

I missed the simple things.

I had been gone for three days now.

"So what do you want to do today? I thought I would
take the day off," he said, just as Stacy shuffled into the
kitchen.

"Don't you have to go pressure Deputy Miller about
finding his son?" I asked, a little harshly.

He laid down his fork and watched me for a minute, as
if what I had said was inappropriate. Stacy hung back by the coffee
pot, ready to intervene. I was glad for her presence, and for her
silence. When he saw I wouldn't back down, my father pulled away
from the table and leaned back.

"He has people looking for him. Bill promised to
bring him in for questioning when he came home. That's all I can
do, Katie," he replied stiffly.

I remained quiet and distracted myself by looking
around the kitchen, at the freshness there and thought of the rest
of the house.

"I want to clean today. This house is a mess," I
replied and stood to clear away the dishes.

He glanced around the room and let out a sigh.

"You don't have to try so hard, Katie. We can take it
easy today. Watch a movie or something. I'd say we could all go out
but," he said and grimaced, watching me carefully.

Of course I wouldn’t be acceptable for public
appearances, looking the way I did.

I looked out the kitchen window at the fog and rain
lightly falling. It had been that way since I had come home. No
sun, no heat. Just the cold wet California coastal dreariness.

"It's raining. I'd rather not go out when it's
raining," I replied coolly and turned to start the water for
dishes.

“We’ll stay in,” Stacy suggested. “You can help me
with some things on the computer.”

I nodded and concentrated on the dishes, the room
growing silent except for the running of water. I had thought our
father had left until I heard his voice a few minutes later.

"I'm sorry, Katie."

I paused in scraping the dishes to turn and look his
way. He sat there, slightly hunched in his chair and looking down
at his hands in his lap. He was a tall man, much like Nathan, but
now he seemed small in comparison. He seemed so insignificant as he
slouched there, so unlike Jonah or any of the Amish men who would
have sat tall and protected their family.

Frank Hill was nothing but a coward, all show for his
public audiences, but in his home, he was lost.

I waited for him to continue.

"I can't begin to think of what you have gone
through," he started.

I laid the plate down and leaned against the counter,
waiting for more. Waiting for him to acknowledge what I had been
trying to tell him for so long. How his neglect had made me feel
insignificant. How his attitude towards Sean had made me think he
cared for him more than me.

His words surprised me.

"I'll make this right, Katie. You don't need to run
anymore. I'll get this figured out. I'll take care of Sean," he
said, his eyes narrowing as if in determination.

"Then you should have had him locked up when we first
got home, Dad. He's gone, probably hiding with friends on campus or
down in San Francisco. Probably using the money you gave him," I
replied, my voice a little rough in my ears.

He looked up and shook his head vehemently.

"No. Sean wouldn't run. Bill told me last night.
He'll bring him in. And if this DNA comes back positive," he
began.

"When the DNA comes back positive, Dad!" I exclaimed,
Stacy stepping in to hold me back as I advanced on our father.
"When it comes back! Still you don't believe me! What will it take?
Him beating me in front of you? Me dead? Why can't you believe
me?"

"I believe you, Katie," he murmured, looking down
again, uncomfortable.

"You believe me because I went around you. The
evidence is there now. Neither you nor Mr. Miller can hide it now,"
I said.

"Bill would never hide anything, Katie,” he spat out,
his eyes hardening again. “You were the one that hid. Ran away
instead of facing your problems."

"Not anymore," I whispered and turned back to the
dishes.

"I'll fix it, Katie. I'll keep you safe."

"I was safe where I was, Dad. Until Sean came. I
won't be safe until he is locked up," I replied and plunged the
dishes into the hot water, fighting back the tears.

"I'll make sure no one hurts you again, Katie. Now
that you're back, I'll be here more. We'll do more things. I’ll
quit the council," he started only to pause when I shook my head
and laughed again.

"I'm not staying, Dad. As soon as Sean's in jail, I'm
leaving," I said. “You can keep your council seat. It was always
more important than us. Mom knew. I know now.”

“That’s unfair,” he said and stood. “My work has kept
a roof over your head and kept you happy.”

“Not happy, Dad,” I replied, never looking back.
“Kept, yes. But never happy. I was happy in Iowa.”

I could feel him moving behind me, and I closed my
eyes, bracing for him to hit me. Or push me. Anything.

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to go
traipsing back to wherever Sean found you. You belong here. This is
your home. You belong here," he argued, his voice only a little
closer. He knew to stay away it seemed.

"I have nothing here. As soon as I can, Dad. I'm
gone," I whispered and returned to cleaning.

He was quiet as I worked, and when I looked back
several minutes later, I saw both he and Stacy had gone, leaving me
to the quiet to think. I didn’t want the quiet to think though.
Thinking only made me remember those I had left and what they would
be doing. I needed to keep busy or I’d go insane.

I finished up the dishes and made a list of chores to
accomplish. The list was long as I looked through the house.
Laundry to be done, dusting, vacuuming. If it were not raining, the
carpets would have gone out to be beaten clean. I sighed and went
to work, happy for the work to occupy my time.

The things I had done before I had found the Bergers
didn’t interest me anymore. My father stayed clear of me, watching
television or talking on the phone with Deputy Miller about Sean. I
caught a few words: surveillance, warrants, tests needed to be
processed faster than they were. I wondered if maybe he thought I
was right with Sean disappearing, or that Sean had already run. I
wondered if Deputy Miller had called him with news of Sean
conveniently gone. A cold shiver ran through me at the thought that
he could show up at any time.

Or he was on his way back to deal with Nathan.

How far would Sean go to get back at me?

I cleaned a little harder, trying to forget about the
fear and loneliness that gripped me. After only a month with them,
the Berger's had become such a part of my life. Nathan had become
everything. I missed them desperately. And I was afraid for
them.

Stacy ventured to help me with lunch, trying
unsuccessfully to cheer me up. In the end she and my dad ate their
lunch in silence in the kitchen, and I retreated up to my room to
sit and wait for the laundry to finish. I felt restless as I lay
there on my big plush bed. I wasn't used to having so much free
time. I moved around in my room, straightening up, sorting through
my clothes to find something I felt comfortable in. I tried to read
but I couldn't, a headache coming on from the grey light in the
room. I sighed and made my way back downstairs, desperate to do
something, anything that would get my mind off the tortuous
thoughts of what the Bergers and Nathan would be doing, and if they
had tried to find me at all.