Texts from Jane Eyre (13 page)

 i love you SO MUCH
i’m going to write your name all over my books and then
 
i’m going to have someone else’s baby and then DIE

 yes
cathy yes that’s perfect
i’m going to kidnap your daughter someday
and i won’t let your nephew learn how to read
because of how much i love you
and scream at your grave
and i’ll rent your room out
 to some guy from London

 oh my god thank you
thank you so much
i’m going to love you so much
 
i become a ghost

 i’m so glad to hear that
 i was hoping you’d say that

 but i’m never going to haunt you
 
just that guy who’s visiting from london

 that sounds perfect
 i’m so excited to hear him tell me about what your ghost looks like

 oh my god
 
what are you going to scream at my grave

 oh man
what aren’t i going to scream at your grave
i’ll scream everything
 i’ll scream at your soul

 good good 

 i’ll scream about what a bitch you were 

 i am so excited
i am going to just
 
ruin heaven with my screaming back at you

 that is so sweet of you to do that 

 i’ll just murder everyone’s heart 

 i hope your ghost drives me crazy  

 i love you like how rocks love forests 

 i totally know what you mean 

 i love you like i love the inside of my own brain 

 oh my god that’s so much love 

 i knooooow
 
do you want to make out right now

 god no
i want to wait until you’re dead
and then rip up the earth over your grave
 and crawl inside

Little Women

 MEG
MEG
MEG WHAT’S ALL THIS
WHAT’S ALL THIS I’M HEARING ABOUT YOUR GETTING MARRIED
 tell me it’s a wretched lie

 Jo I don’t know how many more times we have to have this
 
conversation

 I’ll have it a THOUSAND TIMES if I must 

 but yes
 
I am still marrying John tomorrow

 OH GREAT TRIPLE-HORNED GOD 

 just like I was planning to yesterday 

 this is unbearable 

 and also last month 

 answer me this, then
who exactly do you think is going to play Mercy
when we put on my version of The Pilgrim’s Progress this
summer?
I wrote that part for YOU
 wrote it beautifully in fact

 I don’t know, darling 

 she gets a cracking scene with the villain
Rodrigo where he tries to poison her
 and she screams and faints and everything

 I don’t remember anyone named Rodrigo in The Pilgrim’s Progress 

 THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE MEG 

 I’m very sorry 

 this production will be ruined 

 why don’t you ask Amy? 

 i’m not even going to dignify that with a response 

 You still have three hours to change your mind
we could run away and be pirates
 or just wear bloomers

 but I love him, Jo 

 uuuuugh
 I can’t even understand you when you get hysterical like this

 I love him and I want to marry him — that’s all 

 you’re just ranting now
 it’s pure gibberish

 we’ll be living just down the road, honestly
 
it’ll be like i never left at all

 does he have a horse?
is that what this is about?
does he have a sword gun or a railroad
or a
 a nice hat or something?

 no, that’s not what this is about 

 I hope you realize you’re breaking up the family 

 I really wish you wouldn’t see things that way 

 a broken home
that’s what I come from now
 a broken home

 that’s not what they call it when your sister gets married 

 then why does it feel broken, Meg
why does it feel broken
this is the worst thing
that has ever happened
to anyone
 since Father died

 Father didn’t die, Jo! 

 oh
didn’t he?
 for some reason I thought he’d died

 no
 
he’ll be home in a few weeks

 Ah
do you suppose he’s going to want his old greatcoat
and riding boots
and shaving things
and top hat
 when he gets back?

 I expect that he will 

 HANG EVERYTHING 

 LAURIE
I despise everything
 did you know Meg wouldn’t even let me have any fireworks at her wedding

 I didn’t know that 

 not a single solitary firework
nor a footrace either
 she wouldn’t even let me challenge the groomsmen to a feat of strength

 well I’m afraid that’s fairly customary
 
not to have the maid of honor wrestling the wedding party, I mean

 THEN I’M NEVER GETTING MARRIED 

 all right 

 imagine having to get married without even one little roman candle
i won’t do it you know
 i won’t live in that kind of a world

 all right, Jo 

 i’ll kill myself and all of you
 but i won’t live in that world

 amy? 

 yes? 

 amy im dying tonight 

 oh beth
 
No

 yes im definitely dying
 oh its terrible how much im dying just now

 but
what exactly
 
what are you dying of

 this sewing needle
 it’s so very heavy

 well
 
put it down

 the window
it’s so
 so bright

 the window is killing you? 

 it’s so terribly full of glass 

 I see 

 theres just glass all over it
 i don’t know how you stand it

 oh
 
I manage

 i dont think ill make it through the night 

 well I’ll be here if you need me 

 and to think i once stepped outside the house
 to stand in the sun

 yes, I remember that day 

 what a strong and foolhardy girl i was then 

 dear Laurie
dearest Laurie
surely at this point you know
i can’t possibly marry you
i’m so sorry
 please try to forgive me

 Jo
of course I’ll respect your wishes
but why?
 
there’s no one who knows you better

 i know that 

 we have such fun together 

 we do! 

 and you’re dear to me
and jolly
and clever
cleverer than me anyhow
and I
I do love you
 
most awfully, Jo

 Laurie, I can’t
 please don’t ask me again

 I can’t help but ask 

 and I can’t give you any answer but no 

 all right
 
all right