Torn (2 page)

What the hell was I reading? It was the love of my life’s handwriting, but the words weren’t hers. It didn’t make any sense.

None of it.

Her letter was vague, never giving me a real reason as to why she wasn’t coming back. As to why the hell she left me.

I will always love you.

Don’t try and contact me.

By the time you read this, I’ll be long gone.

It was an hour before my body became mobile again.

This has to be a sick joke. This can’t be real.

The first place I raced to was her mother’s house. As soon as she answered the door, I knew Kalista was gone. She told me her daughter had left California and it was best to let her go, that I would never find her. Although her mother tried to remain stoic, I saw tiny cracks of compassion seeping out. She wanted to tell me where she was, probably not understanding Kalista’s actions any more than I had, but her loyalty to her daughter overshadowed any desire she had to tell me where she’d disappeared to.

I visited her home every day for a year, and every day it was the same. Her mother never wavered. When I’d finally had nothing more to give, I hardened my heart and vowed to never love another woman as long as I lived.

The love of my life ruined any chance I had at happiness, and I dreamt of the day when I’d pay her back for turning me into stone.

ELI

T
he bed creaked underneath our weight, the sound breaking through the silence of the room numbingly comforting. Dipping further into her body, my muscles strained, and my resolve to hold out longer weakened with every thrust I propelled into her tight heat. Rocking behind her, I tried my hardest to think of anything else besides letting go of the steely exterior I showed to the world.

I was numb.

I was destroyed.

I was hopeless.

Each day, I hoped for a flicker of life to crest beneath my cold heart, but every day I was disappointed. Resolved not to torment myself that evening, I did my best to focus back on the warm body in front of me.

My arm wrapped around her as my fingers dug into her soft flesh, holding her hip as my cock slid in and out of her pussy. Beth was a woman I occasionally hooked up with, always being sure to reiterate it was just sex every time she agreed to be with me. Each time I encouraged her to verbalize her consent. I saw a piece of her become detached. I wasn’t stupid, I knew she wanted more from me, but I was incapable of having a normal relationship with her.

With any woman.

The only woman who had stolen my heart had crushed it into pieces so small they scattered into the wind, never to be found again. The only thing which remained was a cold piece of muscle pumping inside my coiled chest.

“Fuck me harder, Eli,” she pleaded, reaching behind her to grip my leg, digging her nails into my flesh and trying her best to bring me closer. My fingers splayed up her side until they danced around the edge of her breast. Moving my hand forward, I pinched her puckered nipple. She moaned my name again as I tossed her into a world which rocked between pleasure and pain. My hold on her was fierce, all the while fully aware of how far I would push her.

Over the years, I’d found I really enjoyed rough sex. I’d dabbled in some BDSM but it wasn’t my cup of tea, so I stuck to just a bit of pain/pleasure play.

If I’d taken the time to stop and question why, I guess there could have been a plethora of reasons.

To punish myself and the women I was with, to a certain degree.

To drive out my own anger, and demons while fucking random women.

Because I was simply wired that way and hadn’t realized it until I was a bit more mature.

Whatever the reason…I enjoyed it.

Immensely.

“You want it harder, baby?” I panted in her ear, biting her soft lobe, feeling her body tense in anticipation. “Are you sure? You know what I like. Are you telling me you want it rough?”

For as much as I loved my kind of sex, I always made sure the woman I was with fully understood what she was getting herself into. I went over the list in minute detail, answering any questions she had, as well as taking it slow until I’d built up to exactly the way I liked to fuck. I wasn’t a heartless beast or someone who got off on a woman’s tears, but I didn’t do soft and tender, either.

While I’d had countless sexual partners over the years, I tended to stay with the same one for a period of time. It was a challenge to find a woman who I was not only attracted to, but who also shared my proclivities. None of them stimulated me outside the bedroom, mainly because I never gave them a proper chance.

I vowed never to open myself up like that ever again.

That
Eli was long gone.

“Please,” she begged, rocking back and forth, trying her best to entice me. Little did she know it wasn’t going to take much, especially after the shitty week I’d had at work. Too many deadlines and obstacles barreling down on top of me.

I need this release.

“As you wish,” I answered, pulling out and flipping her onto her stomach. Without hesitation, I grabbed her hips and pulled her up until she was on all fours then slapped her ass. Hard. The sting of my palm was enough to make me harder. She moaned beneath me, the sound floating through the air like the sweetest melody. I bit my bottom lip as I pushed roughly inside her, my thrusts coming fast and fierce.

“I love your huge cock, baby,” she whispered.

“You do, do you? Do you like when I do this?” Tangling her long, blonde hair around my fingers, I yanked hard, simultaneously rutting inside her with a fierceness that surprised even me.

Her answer was a loud squeal, her hands clutching the sheets in her excitement. The headboard continuously knocked off the wall as I fucked her into oblivion. The only thing on my mind was pleasuring her while chasing my own orgasm.

The fact I could completely lose it in the bedroom was my only escape from reality.

And I welcomed it every single time.

Circling her waist, I lowered my hand until I found her clit, and the second I made contact her body shuddered. “Oh, God…yes,” she cried. “Please, don’t stop. Please…” Her moans intensified the more I stroked her.

It was mere seconds before she screamed out her release, the sound music to my ears because it meant I was next. I released her hair, leaned down so my chest was resting on her back and latched onto her neck. My teeth gripped her skin, being careful not to break through, as I expelled all of the frustration I’d felt for the entire week.

I muffled my grunts as the waves of ecstasy crashed over me. My muscles screamed with tension as I rode my high all the way to beyond and back, and it was in those precious seconds I pretended I wasn’t still fucked up inside, that I wasn’t a shell of my former self, looking for the light at the end of a never ending tunnel.

It took me a short while to catch my breath, but as soon as I did I slipped from her body and hopped off the bed, pulling off the condom and tying a knot at the end. I left her lying there in a pool of her own satisfaction. I smirked while walking toward the bathroom, knowing full well she was completely sated. I never did things half-assed, sex being no exception.

Strolling from the bathroom after I’d finished, I reached for my clothes and quickly dressed.

“Where are you going so soon?” she pouted. Propped up on her side, her naked body was on full display. Beth was a beautiful woman, and I felt bad for not wanting anything more. Other than the occasional mattress dance, of course.

“You know I don’t cuddle. Nor do I stay afterward.” Pulling on my suit jacket, I reached for my keys and broached the distance between us until I was standing next to the bed. Leaning down, I placed a quick kiss on her swollen lips and winked. When I tried to turn around, she reached for my hand and stopped me before I could get away.

“What are you doing tomorrow night?” Hopefulness laced deep in her voice. Before I could reject her, she blurted out the reason she asked. “I was thinking we could grab some dinner. Maybe a few drinks afterwards.” Batting her long lashes up at me, she acted as if she held the key to unlocking my resolve. She knew me well enough to know what I would say. Or at least I thought she did.

If my heart had been left intact from years before, I might’ve taken her up on her offer. She really was a nice person—from what I could tell. She was into me and the sex was great. But I wasn’t whole.

I was broken.

Therefore, our
relationship
could never be anything more than purely sexual gratification.

“I can’t,” I responded. The hurt look in her eyes was almost too much to bear. “Besides, I have a family dinner to attend.”

Without missing a beat, she offered, “I could go with you, if you want.” She was about to spout out some other crazy shit before I put an end to her rant.

“Beth…” I warned. I untangled my hand from her grip and took a step back. “You know exactly what kind of arrangement we have. There is nothing beyond this bedroom.” The only way to shut this down was to be completely honest…and blunt. “If you don’t think you can handle just having sex, then I think it’s time we end this.”

Scrambling to the edge of the bed, she finally wrapped the sheet around herself, shielding her vulnerability from me, in more ways than one. I could tell she was nervous, afraid I was going to end our little arrangement, which would suck because she was the only woman I was
seeing
at the moment. Not wanting to find someone new right away, I hoped our original agreement would still stand. I knew she was falling for me, and if I was any kind of gentleman, I would have backed out right then. Let her down easy and all that shit.

But I was being selfish.

She never made eye contact with me when she answered. “No, please. I don’t want to end this. I’ll take whatever you can give me, Eli. I’m sorry.” She lifted her head and ran her hand through her long locks. When she was finally on her feet, she shuffled forward until she stood right next to me. Placing her lips on mine, she kissed me longingly. But I felt it. Her lips trembled as if she was going to cry.

Fuck!

She was more into me than I had even realized.

Deciding not to deal with our new predicament right then, I returned her quick kiss and backed up. Giving her my best smile, I told her something I didn’t truly believe. “I’ll call you in a few days.”

I disappeared from her bedroom as quickly as I could, never even giving her a chance to respond.

ELI

“A
re you coming tonight or not? You missed the last two weeks, and Mom is on my ass to find out why,” Cal grilled me over the phone. It was the last thing I needed right before I was about to close a deal for a huge client, but he was right. It wasn’t like me to continuously miss the weekly family dinners so much.

I always had such a great time hanging out for a few hours, allowing the week’s stresses to go into hiding for a short time. Never mind the fact I found ample opportunities to tease my younger brother, Drayden. Ever since he married Essie, and was blessed enough to have his two beautiful girls, Isla and Emma, I loved to antagonize him. It was fun. Plus, it reminded him to be grateful for his new life.

He’d experienced a tragedy years before when his fiancée Elizabeth was killed in a car accident, something for which he blamed himself. It wasn’t until Essie unexpectedly came into his life that he finally started to live again.

“Yes, I’m coming. Tell Mom to calm down,” I jested. “I’ll be there.”

“Are you bringing anyone this time?” he asked, a different tone to his voice.

“No, and don’t start,” I huffed.

“Mom said…” he started, but I cut him right off.

“I don’t have time for this inquisition right now, man,” I growled. “I have a bunch of shit I have to get done before I leave the office tonight.” I didn’t mean to come across so harsh, but I was tired of my family constantly asking me when I was going to settle down with someone. It was fucking frustrating.

“Fine. Whatever.” He was silent for a short time. I knew he didn’t want to get involved in my personal business, but I also knew he was just as concerned about me as everyone else. I didn’t know why, though. I was perfectly happy with the way my life was going.