2500 Jokes to Start 'Em Laughing (27 page)

The problem with unemployment is: What do you do to pass the time? I know a fella who's in his sixth month of unemployment. His wife is in her sixth month too.

Unemployment is hitting youth the hardest. You can tell. Last week a collection agency repossessed six cars, nine TV sets, and three hundred guitars.

Four million kids are graduating this month and so far the only positions they've found are in sex manuals.

Incidentally, there's going to be a mass meeting of all the June college graduates who begin their new jobs next week. It'll be held in a Volkswagen.

Highly skilled people are so desperate for work, they'll take anything.

I was talking to a Ph.D. last week and I'll never forget what he said —“Fill 'er up?”

You have no idea how scarce jobs are these days. A personnel director asked a fella, “Do you lie, cheat, steal, or come in late?” He said, “No, but I can learn!”

Unemployment just hit a new high. If you don't believe it, yesterday an organ grinder's monkey died and he got forty-two applications-three from monkeys!

“The devil finds work for idle hands.” Now if we could only get private industry to do the same!

Labor leaders are a peculiar mix of the old and the new—like a space capsule with a running board.

Talk about labor troubles: a Nevada house of ill repute had a strike and everything came to a grinding halt.

Now the gravediggers are out on strike. I tell you, it's enough to make a body pause.

I can't understand all these unions striking for shorter hours. What's wrong with sixty minutes?

I believe in the four-day week. It gives you more time to look for a second job.

A thought for unions making wage demands: Bankruptcy is also a closed shop.

The U.N. was created to give birth to peace. Peace is now in its 408th month.

Every time there's trouble like this, somebody calls the U.N. And the U.N. is finally doing something about it. It's getting an unlisted number.

A typical American is someone who feuds with his neighbors, argues with his employees, disagrees with minority groups, yells at his family—and can't understand why the United Nations don't get along with each other.

The U.N. is like a slot machine in Las Vegas. You keep feeding it money but it never pays off.

There is nothing like a vote at the U.N. to tell you who your friends were.

I had a very unusual two-week vacation. I got on an elevator in an eighty-story building after a kid had pressed all the buttons!

We just got back into town, and you know that book that tells you how to have a wonderful vacation for ten dollars a day? Well, now I know how you do it. You stay home and read this book!

Believe me. If you ate at some of the places we did, ten dollars a day wouldn't cover the bicarbonate!

Let's face it. Vacations don't make sense. They really don't. You get in a car, drive 550 miles, and what do you spend all your time looking for? Home-cooked meals!

Don't you feel sorry for those people who go on vacation and spend all their time driving? My neighbor was telling me he drove 6,000 miles in two weeks. He said he even saw Washington, D.C. I said, “What was it like?” He said, “Three red lights and a green!”

I always take one of those “and up” vacations. You know the kind. Where the ad says “$299 and up.” They call it “and up” because that's what you are all night trying to figure out how the total got to be $1,742!

There's one thing I can never understand about vacations. Every year we go away with three half-empty suitcases—and every year we come back with three bulging suitcases, two cardboard cartons, and four shopping bags, and I'm still the only tourist I know who carries dirty laundry in my wallet!… Which, after a three-week vacation, makes sense. It's the only place that's empty!

You can always tell how long a wife has been away from home by what her husband puts the dirty dishes in—the sink or the pool.

I always get kinda sentimental about Valentine's Day. I was telling my neighbor that every year I buy a card saying
EVERYTHING I HAVE IS YOURS
! He said, “Who do you send it to—your wife?” I said, “No. Internal Revenue!”

I don't mind telling you, I'm worried sick. I put a Valentine card and my income tax return into the same mail. Now I can't remember which one I signed
GUESS WHO
?

It's a funny thing about Valentine candy. By the time you get to the bottom of a five-pound box of chocolates, you can hardly lift yours.

And you can always tell a wife on February 14th. She's the only one who gets a Valentine card and says, “It's just what I wanted!”—while she's opening it up to look for the money!

My wife really is sentimental. One Valentine's Day I gave her a ring, and to this day, she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside—
MADE IN TAIWAN
!

That's just like her. She loves to get in little digs. This morning she said she read the results of a survey that shows I'm sexier than average. I said, “Really? Where was the survey taken?” She said, “Forest Lawn.”

Instead of giving your wife a mink coat, a diamond bracelet, or a sports car for Valentine's Day—give her a canary. Then, every time it opens its mouth, she'll think of you. Especially when it says, “
CHEEP
!”

That's right. If you're young and single—February 14th is a day of love and kisses and romance and tenderness. And if you've been married for twenty years—February 14th is the day after February 13th!

I know a fella who just sent out 40,000 Valentine cards doused in French perfume and signed “
GUESS WHO
?” He's a divorce lawyer.

You know what's fascinating? Valentine's Day at a mate-swapping club. On the top of each card it says:
INITIAL AND PASS ON
!

There's only one thing worse than your husband getting a passionate Valentine's Day card doused in perfume. That's his getting one doused in after-shave lotion!

A vasectomy is the stitch in time that saves nine.

They say a vasectomy doesn't affect your masculinity. So how come they give you
Playboy
on the way in and
Good Housekeeping
on the way out?

You know the worst thing that could happen with a vasectomy? You go into the hospital and the doctor who's going to do the operation is the fella your wife turned down to marry you. And he's standing there sterilizing the butter knife.

I'll tell you what
our
kids are like. Six teachers offered to chip in and buy me a vasectomy.

Show me a fella who becomes a father after having one of these operations—and I'll show you a half-vasectomy!

I'll never forget the first time I voted in a presidential election. It was 1952 in Chicago. Come to think of it, I'll never forget the second, third, fourth, and fifth times I voted in a presidential election. It was 1952 in Chicago.

I'll vote for anybody who can figure out a way to take the preservatives out of our food and put them in our savings.

They say that 70 percent of major accidents originate in the home—and the rest in voting booths.

I know an Indian whose name is Running Deer. He has a son on Wall Street. His name is Running Scared.

A Wall Street brokerage firm on the fortieth floor has a special sign for its customers:
PLEASE DON'T STAND TOO NEAR AN OPEN WINDOW. YOUR TYPE OF PIGEON CAN'T FLY.

I happen to be a major holder on Wall Street—stock, bond, and bag.

Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.

They say that women's clothes can predict the trend on Wall Street. If hemlines go up, the market goes up. If hemlines come down, the market goes down. Isn't that great? Yesterday I was a dirty old man. Today, a market analyst!

The problem with Wall Street is, it's a very sedentary business. If it wasn't for going like this [
HIT YOUR FOREHEAD WITH THE PALM OF YOUR HAND
], some investors wouldn't get any exercise at all!

It's just amazing how young financial analysts are these days. It's like I was saying to the head of a mutual fund as I helped him tie his shoelaces …

Personally, I have a diversified portfolio. That's when your money goes down the drain in six different sinks.

George Washington is the one who sailed across the Delaware standing up. He must have had the same travel agent I do.

George Washington crossed the Delaware and caught the Hessians at Trenton. Or was it the Trentons at Heshing? Well, either way it was an embarrassing thing to be caught at!

George Washington was elected the first President of the United
States and for eight years nobody complained about the mess in Washington. Mostly because it was in Philadelphia.

“George Washington was first in war, first in peace, first in the hearts of his countrymen!” Which is all right if you like a pushy President.

They say George Washington had wooden teeth. Big deal. Our trumpet player has a tin ear.

George Washington had wooden teeth. He brushed after every meal and saw his carpenter twice a year.

Did you know that George Washington had wooden teeth? Wooden teeth! To George Washington, Polident was a nail!

Those were dramatic times in 1775. George Washington put in his wooden teeth; said, “I shall talk to the Army!”—and that's when things started clicking!

They say George Washington never told a lie. Then what's he doing on a dollar bill that's worth forty-three cents?

I don't want to brag, but I have a son who's a freshman and already he's following in George Washington's footsteps. He went down in history.

We can't procrastinate on pollution. Slime waits for no man!

Remember the good old days, when it was people who ran amuck—not faucets?

Isn't it wonderful how they're always thinking of new ways to protect us? Now there's a mouthwash for people who drink tap water.

Did you hear about the fella who jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge [
LOCALIZE
] and committed sewagecide?

Water pollution is so bad it's amazing. Yesterday we drove across the Hudson River [
LOCALIZE
]. What makes it so amazing, we didn't use the bridge!

Do you realize if George Washington were alive today, he could have
rolled
that dollar across a river?

It had to happen. The chemical formula for water is now H
₂
Ugh.

Water pollution has reached this stage: Last week a dam gave way and the lake didn't!

Water pollution is so bad, today it takes real courage to be a skin diver—or a Baptist.

Pollution today is so bad, walking on water is not only a miracle, but advisable!

Even the ocean is polluted. Last week I pulled a six-pound flounder out of the Atlantic. Today I got a thank-you note from his parents.

We've got to do something about water pollution. My kid has a water pistol that jams!

I'm really worried. He could be the first ten-year-old ever arrested for carrying a congealed weapon!

The water in this town is incredible. I'm beginning to think City Hall asked Mexico for the recipe!

Water is so polluted, now I know why herring get pickled!

I'll tell you how bad water pollution is. Yesterday I heard a voice saying, “All ashore that's going ashore.” It was a fish!

You want to know what the water in Lake Erie is like? Wait, I'll get you a slice.

Let me put it this way: This is the only state where the water needs tenderizer.

A little song dedicated to pollution: “We Were Walking Along on Moonlight Bay.”

I just saw an interesting sign. It said:
DON'T THROW ROCKS IN THE RIVER. IT DENTS THE WATER.

My mother always did things in a big way. You know how some mothers had wax apples, pears, and grapes on the dining room table? She had a wax watermelon.

When I was a kid, every dining room table had a bowl of wax fruit on it. We had so much wax fruit in our neighborhood, if a house caught fire it burned for three months!

And it was a point of pride to have the most realistic wax fruit in the neighborhood. We had wax fruit that looked so real, we used to get nasty letters from ants!

Our wax fruit looked so real, we never knew Uncle Louie was nearsighted until we found something in the wax apple—Uncle Louie!

The Weather Bureau isn't taking any chances. It just predicted
SLIGHTLY CLOUDY—WITH DRIFTS UP TO THREE FEET.

Lincoln was wrong. There is one man who can fool all of the people all the time—and I'd like to introduce him to you. Our weatherman!

We have a wonderful weatherman. Last week he predicted a 30 percent chance of rain. I heard it just before the radio floated out the window.

Isn't this rain something? You get home, take off your clothes, and it's one damp thing after another!

People keep asking me how I made out during the floods. Come over and see. It's the house with the periscope.

I have to be honest. I didn't even know it was a flood. We've been trying to housebreak a Great Dane.

This is the time of year when the seasons overlap. When you put on snow tires to go to the beach.

Have you noticed how everything in a wedding is set up for the bride? She carries a beautiful bouquet of flowers; she wears a $600 gown, and the organ plays “Here Comes the Bride.” Where's the groom? He's out in the hall wearing a Hertz Rent-A-Tux.… I say Hertz 'cause the pants are too tight.… He doesn't know where the tux came from but every time they play slow music, the arms cross.…