I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (37 page)

Many transwomen say their experience of sexuality changed when they began to take hormones. Some say they began to feel a broader range of emotions, and some that their libido decreased. Many found they began to feel more sexual, as their body changed to match their gender identity.

Research on orgasms after sex reassignment surgery is limited, but the existing studies and anecdotal reports say that yes, most (but not all) MTFs are able to have orgasms with their “new” genitalia. A clitoris is created using skin and nerves from the head of the penis, and an effort is made to preserve nerves and arousal tissue. It takes a while, of course, to heal from such a significant surgery, and for sensation to return. Transwomen who choose to have intercourse usually find it’s most comfortable if they add lube, because their new vaginal walls were constructed from the shaft of the penis and may produce limited lubrication on their own.

Many transwomen report that they had to relearn how to masturbate and have an orgasm—similar to the way many women born with female genitalia have to explore their body’s responses. Transwomen often say female arousal feels quite different from what they experienced previously, and there’s no erection to tell you you’re aroused. Some transwomen say they have better orgasms after their surgeries, because they’re finally enjoying a body that feels more “right” for them.

After the surgery I was looking forward to making love the way I’d always imagined in my own head. The first time it mostly hurt
—
it was really validating emotionally, but it was like, “Oh, be careful! Go slow! Use some more lube!” It was nice that it got better every time. Gradually I got more familiar with it and my body healed, so now it’s a lot of fun. I don’t have a lot of sensation from vaginal intercourse, because most of the nerves are around the clitoris. They use the glans of the penis to form the clitoris. But if he shifts up so his pelvis pushes on my clitoris and he does a little grinding, then it hits just the right spot. If he does that and he sucks on my nipples a little bit, it doesn’t take me long at all.

For two years before surgery I was on hormones, but I never had orgasms because I wouldn’t let anyone touch me below the waist. Then after I healed from my surgery, I thought it was broken. Nothing down there seemed to work right. But I practiced a little bit on my own, and then it was like, “Woah!” Once I got the “Woah!” down, everything else fell into place. I get very excited very easily by guys. I’m dating a man now—I can have an orgasm just by him touching me on the underside of my breasts, or touching my clitoris. The orgasms are different than anything I experienced as a non-female. They’re earth-shattering. They’re more centered around me—before they were centered around a part of my body.

Transgender also describes the experience of people born with female genitalia and socialized to be women, but who feel male deep down inside. Like male-to-female transpeople, FTM (female to male) transpeople can choose to take hormones (testosterone) and have surgery to make their body match their gender identity. Their experience is one of male sexuality, beyond the scope of a book about female orgasm.

Some people who use the word transgender to describe themselves don’t feel that they’re either 100 percent male or female, but are somewhere in between male and female, a bit of both, another gender entirely (a “third gender”), or none of the above. These people may call themselves genderqueer, FTX, or have some other way of describing their gender.

I’m a biological woman but have a masculine identity and a discomfort with my own body. I often identify with queer or transgender. A label I often use for myself is boi. This term accurately describes my identity as a transgendered individual with the body of a female and the soul of a male. The play on words indicates a male pronoun but the spelling indicates that I’m not the normative boy.

I identify as transgender, because it’s the least restrictive gender word I can find. I’m not a man, but I’m not a woman either. I don’t feel gendered in any way. I simply don’t have the innate feeling of “man” or “woman.” It makes sense to me for my body to reflect that, so I am in the process of making it neither a male nor a female body.

I find that when I’m having sex with someone who does not see me as a woman, I’m much more comfortable having vaginal intercourse. I’m also a lot more open about my love of anal sex, as it’s less gendered in general. Anal sex remains a safe activity, because everyone has an anus to play with, regardless of gender and assigned sex.

Transgender people’s orgasms depend on their genitals, hormones, gender socialization, identity, the relationship they’re in, their mood, how turned on they are, and countless other factors—just like everyone else’s orgasms! For more on transgender sexuality issues, see
www.ifge.org
(the International Foundation for Gender Education).

intersex experiences

WE’VE BEEN WRITING about gender identity—whether or not someone
feels
like who he or she is inside is a man, woman, or some other identity. There are also people who
biologically
don’t fit neatly into categories of male and female. For example, most people are born with either XX or XY chromosomes, and a vagina or penis to match. But that’s not the case for everyone. Some people are born with only an X chromosome (called XO), or get an extra sex chromosome, like XXY. Other people are born with “ambiguous genitalia” that isn’t clearly male or female; they might have characteristics of both. Sometimes people use the word “hermaphrodite” to describe this condition. However, those in the community prefer the
terms intersex or DSD (disorders of sex development), which are more accurate, less stigmatizing descriptions. These days, intersex or DSD describes the full range of conditions that can indicate a person doesn’t fit squarely into the male or female checkboxes.

I was born without external genitalia—I didn’t have a clitoris, vagina, or penis. Due to my confusion about my sexuality and gender identity, and my self-consciousness about my body, when I was growing up I declared that I wouldn’t date or marry. But in the last year, I’ve realized that sex is something I can enjoy, after all, despite my background. I’ll need more surgery at some point to have “normal” vaginal intercourse, but my boyfriend and I make it work. When he stimulates the area where the entrance to my vagina will be with his fingers or penis, I usually climax fairly quickly. Being in this relationship has been good for me
—
it’s given me hope that I can be sexually satisfied, and I can provide satisfaction for someone else, even with my physical differences.

One of the biggest factors affecting some intersex people’s orgasms is whether they had medical interventions like genital surgery as an infant or small child. Some doctors perform medically unnecessary surgeries to make a child’s genitals look more “normal,” with no regard for what effect this might have on the person’s future sexual pleasure. For example, a doctor could cut off part of a baby girl’s clitoris if it’s believed to be “too long—too much like a penis.” While the girl’s genitals may look more “average” after the surgery, she just lost some of the most sensitive nerve endings in her body. How could that
not
have an impact on her sexual pleasure and orgasms?

I’ve had two, maybe three, experiences that resemble the descriptions of spontaneous orgasm. This has been the only pleasure available to me so far. I was born almost a hermaphrodite, with a full female reproductive system and genitals, but also an ambiguous organ that might have been either a large clitoris or a micro-penis, and half a male system. The doctors never checked for female organs, and at the age of three they closed my labia and covered my possible clitoris in a skin graft. They imagined I should be a boy. Puberty arrived in my mid-twenties, primarily female with some extra androgens. I have a vagina with lots of sensation, which would be almost normal except that its opening is the width of a straw. I have almost no clitoral sensation. I do have desires, and I wish there were a way to indulge them. But no doctor anywhere is willing to touch my case because I’m not a child anymore. There is a hell
—
it’s located at a hospital in Baltimore. Don’t do this to your kids.

if your partner is trans or intersex

IN OUR MANY conversations with transgender and intersex people and their partners over the years, a few themes emerge consistently about being a respectful sex partner of a trans or intersex person:

• Ask, ask, ask. . . There’s no way to know what your partner likes and is comfortable with without talking about it.

• . . . But don’t turn every sexual encounter into Transgender or Intersex 101. There’s a time and place for partner education, but sometimes it’s time simply to play or snuggle.

• Use the trans or intersex person’s preferred gender pronouns and words for his or her genitals. Follow his or her lead.

• Realize that some people may not want certain parts of their bodies touched sexually. For instance, an FTM who hasn’t had surgery may not want a partner to caress his breasts, because he identifies as a man. These preferences may change over time.

• Be willing to let go of some of what you already know about how to please a partner, and be open to finding creative ideas together.

• Once you figure out what sexual activities you and your partner enjoy, have fun! Don’t worry about what identity labels you need or how these might change. You’ll figure that out over time.

The intersex movement’s message is clear: Unless there’s a medical emergency, keep doctors’ scalpels away from children’s genitals. Parents and doctors can make an educated guess, based on genitals, hormones, and chromosomes, whether a child is likely to feel he or she is male or female as an adult, and raise the child to be that gender. Once the person is an adult, he or she is free to choose to have surgery to change the appearance of his or her genitals, or not.

Intersex people lucky enough to have escaped childhood genital surgery are often the ones who say their sex lives are the most satisfying, because their genitals work just fine for purposes of pleasure.

There are entire books and websites devoted to intersex and DSD issues; if you’re interested in reading more, check out
www.isna.org
(Intersex Society of North America) and
www.ipdx.org
(Intersex Initiative).

10

Knocking at the Back Door: advice for the anally-curious

Anal sex: It’s
the titillating taboo of the decade. Just the inclusion of this chapter in a book on female orgasm has some people thinking, “All right!,” while others are shaking their heads, “Oh, really?”

We believe it’s important to address anal sex because we’re asked
so
many questions about it. In fact, in terms of the sheer number of questions about all sex topics, it ranks second, only after female orgasm itself. In our online survey, 35 percent of women said they’d had anal sex as the receiving partner (with a penis or a dildo). How you approach anal sex can make a huge difference as to whether it’s pleasurable or painful. If it’s something you’re considering, definitely read these pages so you don’t have to learn the hard way.

While anal sex was once stereotyped as “something gay men do” (in reality, some gay men do, some don’t), it’s an increasingly common activity among straight, bi, and lesbian people. According to interviews with over 12,000 people conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, among 20-to-24-year-olds, 33 percent of men and 30 percent of women reported having had anal sex with a different-sex partner. By ages 35 to 39, that figure climbs to 42 percent of men and 34 percent of women. (The CDC also found that about 4 percent of men have had anal sex with another man, but didn’t collect data on anal play among women having sex with women.) All the percentages are higher than they’ve been in the past, perhaps a sign of the increased popularity of butt sex, an increased willingness to admit to it in a research interview, or both.

anal sex around the world

THE UNITED STATES ranks seventh in terms of the percentage of adults who say they’ve had anal sex, according to the Durex Global Sex Survey. (These percentages are probably somewhat higher than the actual numbers since people who volunteer to fill out Durex’s survey may not be representative.) Last on the list? Taiwan, where only 1 percent of people list it among their experiences. Here’s the top ten list:

  
1
. Chile 55%

  
2
. Greece 55%

  
3
. Italy 50%

  
4
. Croatia 49%

  
5
. Finland 49%

  
6
. Norway 48%

  
7
. United States 47%

  
8
. France 46%

  
9
. Bulgaria 45%

10
. Sweden 45%

many ways to play

THE ANUS IS dense with nerve endings, and lots of women say it can be an erogenous zone for them. Anal stimulation can be provided by a woman’s own or a partner’s fingers (touching around the opening or putting a finger inside), with a
tongue (see “What’s Rimming?”, page 245), or with sex toys. Some women who like the sensations of having their anuses touched also enjoy anal intercourse, while others find most penises too big to be comfortable.

I find anal sex to be pleasurable, but with fingers or a small dildo. This is because when it comes to anal sex you have to work up to something larger. There are a lot of nerves just dying to be touched.