I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide (38 page)

I prefer anal sex with fingers and we do that all the time, but anal sex with a penis hurts so much.

One of my very favorite things is to have vaginal intercourse with my husband with me on top, and with a butt plug inserted in my anus. The feeling of the butt plug and his penis stimulating my G-spot provides me with hands-down, unequivocally, the most intense orgasms that I have ever, ever had.

Why Do People Like It?

WOMEN MAY ENJOY anal sex for lots of different reasons:

○Some love the way it feels. In our survey, 25 percent of women who’ve had anal sex described their best experience with it as “very pleasurable,” and another 38 percent said it was “somewhat pleasurable.” The rest didn’t care for the experience at all. While the percentage of women who can have orgasms through anal sex alone is pretty small, more are able to come through a combination of anal and clitoral stimulation. Some guys also reported that they enjoyed the sensation; a partner’s anus feels different than a vagina around their penis (many who’ve tried it say not necessarily better, but different).

○Some women are turned on by the excitement of breaking a taboo, the idea that anal sex is “naughtier” than other kinds of sex, similar to the way many people say they’re turned on by having sex in a place where they could be caught.

All the nerves there make it feel good, and because it seems like such a naughty thing, it turns me on more.

○Other women don’t particularly enjoy the physical sensation of anal sex, but their partner enjoys the act so much that the women like doing it occasionally as a “special treat” for their partner. Some women feel a special emotional connection during anal sex because the act seems particularly intimate to them.

I enjoy anal sex because I know my partner is turned on by it, and having him turned on makes me very turned on. It’s always a little uncomfortable, sometimes quite painful, but I still enjoy it, just not too often.

I like anal sex because it’s different. It feels good, and I love knowing that it’s so tight and pleasurable for my partner. I don’t do it very often, which also makes it fun. With my first boyfriend, it was a special something we did when I had my period.

Some men with female partners enjoy being on the receiving end of anal sex (being penetrated with fingers or a sex toy) for all the reasons above, plus the additional bonus of prostate stimulation. In fact, some guys can have orgasms this way, because the prostate, the gland that produces the fluid for male ejaculate, is about two inches inside the rectum, toward the front of a man’s body. Many men find prostate stimulation feels great, and some can ejaculate from the attention their prostate gets during anal penetration.

essential tips for good anal sex

NO MATTER WHO’S on the receiving end, anal sex can be a positive experience, whether or not it’s an orgasmic one. It can also be downright painful and unpleasant if it’s not done carefully and respectfully.

1. Make sure both partners are willing and interested.
We’ll say it again: Everyone has the right to decide what they will and won’t do sexually. It’s perfectly okay to “just say no” to any sexual activity that doesn’t appeal to you, including this one. The partner who’s been told “no” doesn’t have the right to badger or coerce the one who’s not interested. It’s equally wrong for a partner to pretend he or she “accidentally went in the wrong hole” or to “slip it in” sometime when his or her partner is drunk, high, sleeping, or otherwise unaware—that’s rape. Talk about it first, make sure you’re both in agreement, and if so, proceed to step # 2.

what’s rimming?

“RIMMING” REFERS TO sexual contact between one person’s mouth or tongue, and another person’s anus (also known as analingus or “a rim job”). Many people who’ve tried rimming find it pleasurable because of the combination of the tongue’s abilities (which oral sex aficionados know well) and because the anus is sensitive. Others say to each her own, but they’re going to steer clear of putting their tongue down there. Rimming does carry a risk of transmitting bacteria and STIs such as hepatitis A. Plastic wrap or dental dams are effective barrier methods (for more on using this lowly kitchen supply for safer sex, see page 267). Considerate recipients of rimming always wash or shower beforehand.

2. Get relaxed and in the mood.
Like vaginal penetration, anal sex works best when you’ve spent some time kissing and caressing to get in the mood. Most people unconsciously condition themselves to keep the muscles around their anus tight, perhaps providing inspiration for terms like “tight ass” and “anal retentive.” You can use the Kegel exercises described on page 26 to get acquainted with the muscles in that part of your body, and learn how to squeeze and relax them fully. (Kegel exercises squeeze and relax both vaginal and anal muscles together; they’re all connected.) Figuring out how to relax one’s anal muscles can make penetration much easier, and it works better if anal play is something the receiving partner actually desires. If she’s honestly not interested, the anus knows and may not relax, making for painful or uncomfortable anal sex.

3. Start small.
If you’re ready to experiment with what it feels like to have something inside your anus, start with fingers before you try a penis or dildo. You can use either your finger or your partner’s. The person inserting the finger should trim his or her nails; some people like to wear a latex glove to make the surface of their hand even smoother. Put plenty of water-based lube on the finger you’re going to insert to make insertion more comfortable and safer.

what about the shocker?

ONE OF ONLY a handful of sexual acts with the honor of having its own hand gesture, “the shocker” is the act of inserting two fingers (usually the middle and index fingers) into a woman’s vagina and another (usually the pinkie) into her anus at the same time. The “shock” is presumably that the woman wasn’t expecting the finger in her anus. Known by many other names, including “two in the pink, one in the stink” and “two in the goo, one in the poo,” the shocker name and gesture are recent inventions (though we don’t expect to see them listed alongside the light bulb and the zipper anytime soon). Part of the shocker’s thrill seems to be the fact that most members of older generations don’t know what the gesture means, allowing for a crude in-joke among younger generations. Parents and school administrators are catching on fast, though, as the gesture has been making widespread appearances on
Facebook.com
and
MySpace.com
, and even popping up in high school yearbook photos.

Do women like being on the receiving end of the shocker? Most women say they’d rather not be “shocked” by any kind of penetration. Even if they enjoy the pinky-in-the-anus sensation—some do, some definitely do not—they’d prefer their partner to ask, “Is this okay?” before plunging inside. (Most guys prefer the same respect before a partner inserts a finger in his anus!)

Despite the dirty humor of the gesture, the shocker is missing something important: a finger dedicated to clitoral stimulation. If you’re looking for a combo-move, clitoral plus vaginal or clitoral plus anal is more likely to impress.

It took me a long time before I worked my way up to fully enjoying anal sex. It’s really hard to relax those muscles enough that you don’t feel discomfort. The best thing is to slowly work your way up. For instance, on the first experience try one finger for a little while. Next time try a little longer. Maybe add another finger once that’s comfortable, and so on.

4. Use lots of lube and a condom.
Unlike the vagina, which gets wet as a woman gets turned on, the anus doesn’t produce its own natural lubricant. Therefore, using water-based lube for anal penetration isn’t optional—it’s essential. Lube helps make anal sex comfortable and reduces friction that could result in small tears in the tissue of the rectum. There’s more info about lube on page 133. There’s no such thing as too much lube when it comes to back door action. A condom is important (unless you’re both fully tested and trust each other to have unprotected sex only with each other), because unprotected anal sex is higher risk for HIV and STI transmission than unprotected vaginal sex. Hint: The smoother the condom the better; this is not the time to pull out your prized collection of ribbed and textured condoms.

Because the rectum can contain bacteria that aren’t healthy for a vagina, anything that’s been inside the anus should get washed (or get a fresh glove or condom) before going into a vagina.

Can you get pregnant by having anal sex without a condom? It’s nearly impossible, because sperm would have to make their way out the anus to the opening of the vagina, and then swim up the vagina. Sperm are ambitious little guys, but it’s highly unlikely they’d make it that far. Do be careful about getting ejaculate near the entrance to the vagina, though—the closer sperm get, the greater the pregnancy risk.

5. Go slow, slow, slow.
Porn is a huge source of misinformation about women’s sexuality in general, as you’ve read throughout this book. This couldn’t be truer than with anal sex. If you’ve seen hard, pounding anal sex with no warm-up in porn, and expect to replicate the performance and have both partners enjoy it, you’ve been greatly misled. Whether
receiving fingers, a sex toy, or a penis, the anus needs a slow, gentle approach. Start with lots of foreplay, whether it’s a massage, touching the outside with a finger, or rimming. Some people find it more comfortable if the sphincter is approached at a slight angle. Once penetration begins, the person being penetrated always chooses the speed and depth of penetration, as well as when she wants her partner to stop moving or pull out. The penetrating partner should be closely tuned in to whether the angle is comfortable for his or her partner. Because the walls of the rectum can be more sensitive than the walls of the vagina, it can take creativity and patience to figure out which position feels best. Pulling out should be just as slow and careful a process as inserting.

the scoop on anal-ease

STAY AWAY FROM the product called Anal-Ease (also spelled Anal-Eze), and other numbing agents or lubricants that contain benzocaine. Benzocaine is a local anesthetic typically used for topical pain relief. With anal sex, pain is your body’s way of telling you that something’s not right, that you could be being hurt or harmed. It’s one thing to use a local anesthetic after you’ve been stung by a bee: You know what happened, the bee is now gone, and you’re left coping with the pain. But with anal sex, if something hurts, you should stop and figure out what’s wrong, not numb yourself up and push forward, potentially damaging your body in the process. Anal sex done right doesn’t hurt. Plus, being numb reduces the possibility that you might actually enjoy it!

Start slowly and communicate with your partner. Tell your partner when it’s okay to go in a little further, when to stop for a moment to let you get accustomed to it. Once you’re all the way in, wait a minute and just hold me and comfort me and make sure I’m ready before you start moving again. Talk to me and kiss me on the cheek or shoulder (in a sweet way, not a sexy way). Once I’m ready, start slowly and ask me before going faster or harder.

As with any sexual activity, some women have powerful orgasms as a result of anal sex, some strongly dislike the sensations, some aren’t interested at all, and everywhere in between. Adding clitoral or G-spot stimulation at the same time can make it easier for a woman to have an orgasm during anal sex. So can figuring out a position that works well for the bodies of the people involved.

I’ve had orgasms from anal sex alone sometimes, but they’re much stronger and more likely when my clitoris is being stimulated, too.

I’m very particular about anal sex. I only find anal sex pleasurable if there’s clitoral stimulation involved and if my partner doesn’t expect anything more than slight penetration. There’s no “in and out” and no full penetration, just slight entry by the head of the penis.

I love anal sex, but only in a face-to-face position, not doggy-style. I lie on my back and hook my legs around my partner’s waist, so we’re basically in missionary position, except we’re having anal instead of vaginal sex. For me, the sensations are really pleasurable and even more intense than vaginal sex. I can have orgasms in this position because his pubic bone hits my clit, plus I think I get some G-spot action internally. I’m a lot more relaxed in this position than from the rear, and I think the angle is better.